Top 10s


Advice Ask crocoPuffs: April 15, 2006
Drugs, smoking, wiretaps, and 1337.

How can I stop doing drugs before I die?

- Eric, 98, Dundee

At 98 years old, I'm shocked you are still doing drugs and still alive right now!  Seriously, it's difficult for me to take you seriously when you list your age as 98, but if you really have a drug addiction you need to get professional help.  Here is a website that lists treatment centers across the nation.  Find one near you and contact them immediately.  Or you can call Drug-Rehabs.org at 1-877-437-8422 and find a treatment center through them.

Are u a gamer?  Have u eva played World of Warcraft?  i <3 it.  it fukin pwns yo.  i got 3lvl 60s.  UBER LEET!

- 1337, Stormwind, Elywnn, Kalimdor

Hey punk, thanks for the l33t5p34k!  Yup, I'm somewhat of a g4m3r, but mostly a hax0r.  And more of a casual gamer eva since my daughter was born.  W00t!  I'm glad you like WoW, I've heard that it r0x s0x.  But listen n00b, nobody here cares what level you've reached, so there's no point to writing in simply for bragging.  And by the way, please take time to learn proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.  You'll get further in life, I guarantee it.

I confess ... I'm too lazy to look through your whole freaking site for the answer to the question I have in mind.  So, I'll simply ask it, "Why the name crocoPuffs?"

And if you are still in the mood to read on, have you ever eaten crocodile?  I don't think they sell crocodile meat in the US, but you can sample it in Kenya (try the touristy Carnivore restaurant outside of Nairobi).  Crocodile isn't bad, but zebra is much much better.

- Mike, 36, Silver Spring, MD USA

I'm so glad you wrote in!  While I'm in Kenya next month picking up my share of $35 million (don't tell anyone, I think it might be illegal), I'll be sure to bite into some tasty crocodile and zebra hors d'oeuvres.  Sounds yummy!

crocoPuffs is just a play on my last name.  croconut, crocodile, crocopuffs, I've heard it all over the years.  Apparently my name isn't long enough for most people, they feel a need to add on to it.

Do you know of a good way to quit smoking?

- Buck Russell, 42, Chicago, IL

Are you Moley Russell's wart?  Her tumor?  Her growth?  Do they call you "melanoma head"?  Oh!  You're her uncle!  Well why didn't you say so?  Quitting smoking is not like kicking a drug addiction, you just have to fucking quit!  Stop being such a pussy and quit already!  crocoWife did it.  My father did it.  You can do it too.

Dear crocoPuffs,

There has been much discussion regarding Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito's view of executive privilege, particularly in light of the current administration's use of secret wire tapping.

Do you believe it should be legal to secretly eavesdrop on international phone conversations between lesbian French phone sex operators and Americans in Texas?


- Bastard Freman, 99, Oregon

Wow, another reader over the age of 95!  I had no idea I was so popular with the geriatric set.  Lesbian phone operators who happen to live in France deserve the same privacy and freedoms we enjoy here in America.  Which is to say ... absolutely!  Wiretap those bitches just like they do to us!

Fear not, my bastard friend!  Lucky for you there are techniques to counter any eavesdropping that may be going on in your corner of Oregon.  You need look no further than Matt Blaze.  For wiretaps, you need to fake out the recording devices into thinking you have an open line by playing a constant "C-tone" during your conversations.  More on that right here (includes sample audio to hear what it sounds like).  For email monitoring, you need to confuse the sniffer by deploying extra decoy packets when your email is sent, which will confuse any listeners by creating network "noise".  More on that right here (pdf) (told you I'm a hax0r).

Oh, and by the way.  You're WELCOME!

Wat up?

- Danny Tyo, 30, Massena



- crocoPuffs

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