Either you get it and you know what this is about, or you don't. I can thank my "friend" Mike for introducing me to the wild world of parties and lemons.
You've heard the news that Michael Vick, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback, has received a federal indictment for involvement in an illegal dog fighting/breeding/torturing/killing ring. There's no question he has some serious hurdles to jump if he plans to avoid jail time.
But let's assume for a moment that he gets convicted and sent to federal prison. He's a superstar NFL quarterback with Fortune 500 endorsement deals. His jersey is a top seller. He's an amazing athlete. Clearly, the warden will choose him to be the quarterback of the prison football team. Vick will field a team with a bunch of ragtag amateurs and tough guys. Using his charisma and street smarts he'll recruit guys to make the team more formidable. He'll become good friends with a wacky prisoner who is able to get anything he needs from the outside, for a price. He'll become enemies with the warden and prison guards. He'll hold scrimmages against other prison teams (which are made up entirely of NFL players). And finally, he'll lead his team to victory in a revenge game against a team made up of the prison guards.
Or maybe he'll just get shanked by a jealous hater.
This. Is. Awesome. The best YouTube video of the month (so far). Did you know that Airplane! is largely a spoof of one particular film, Zero Hour? If so, here is the proof you've been waiting for! If not, here is the proof that you didn't know existed!
In an unbelievable story, a golfer, while attemptng to retrieve his golf ball from a pond, gets bit and pulled into the pond by an alligator. Which is the identical back-story of the character Chubbs from Happy Gilmore! The amazing coincidence includes the fact that the alligator had only one eye. Another detail which matches the film exactly!
Today isn't April 1, but this story sounds like a prank. It resembles the Adam Sandler comedy so closely as to be almost unbelievable.
Here are some lyrics from the song "Under the Sea" from the film The Little Mermaid:
The newt play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass
And they soundin' sharp
The bass play the brass
Each little slug here
Cutting a rug here
How can Ariel know about flutes, harps, bass, brass instruments, and rugs, but not know what a fucking fork is? She combs her damn hair with them. None of those instruments would be very effective under water, and surely mer-people don't use rugs on the ocean floor, do they? So the only way they could know about them is because they came from the Human world. And oh, by the way Ariel, that "triton" your dad carries around ... is a giant fork! Nobody ever looked at that thing and thought, "gee, a smaller version would be perfect for stabbing food and shoveling it into my mouth."
Sometimes during NBA games a team will run a promotion that allows fans to shoot a half court shot, or shoot free throws, or maybe 3-pointers. At this Mavericks playoff game in Dallas against the Golden State Warriors, they let a fan take a crack at dunking a ball while launching himself off a trampoline. Check out the video below to see the rim-shaking two-handed jam that this fan threw down. It's beyond description.
Yo! Have you been to the new Disney theme park in China? It's totally awesome! Except that Disney had nothing to do with it. This is copyright infringement to the max, people!
They've got a Minnie Mouse lookalike who they claim is a cat with big ears. They've got Tigger, Snow White, and Donald Duck lookalikes too. Not to mention a castle and grounds that are not unlike a real Disney property. This is awesome! You should check it out. Now!
I've provided commentary below this video, which you should read while viewing, for full comedic effect (may be NSFW, it's borderline).
Wow! Look at her huge ... book! She must really love to read. What is that? War and Peace? She reads such large books, she must be some kind of academic. A college student, perhaps? She's really into that book ... something about the way she reads makes me unable to look away. Fascinating.
Ooohhh, she licks her finger when turning pages. She's a pro! She must be a librarian or something. Now she's a little uncomfortable, she's shifting around and opening her legs, now she's touching her leg. I wonder if she has a bugbite on her leg that is making her so uncomfortable. Oh, now I see ... she's getting sleepy. She's turned onto her back a little and raised her arm above her head, the classic getting-ready-to-sleep pose. Jesus! I just noticed how large her breasts are! Those things are gigantic!
Okay, she's sitting up now. She's ready to read again, I think. Oh, but first she needs to brush something off her boob. Damn! That is one huge boob. Uh, do you think she realizes her breast is about to fall out of her top? Phew! Yes, she did notice, she's adjusting her shirt now. Err, well, maybe not. She seems to be just feeling the fabric of her shirt. That's weird.
I wonder if she's ever going to get back to reading that book? Hey, why is she looking at me like that? If I didn't know better, I'd say she wants to bang me. Wait a second, I don't think she's a librarian at all. And now ... good lord! Now what's happening? The book seems to have some kind of magnetic pull on her tits! They're swaying back and forth, fighting against the book's gravitational forces. She's looking at me again. I think she needs help. Her eyes are pleading with me to help her breasts stop swinging! I'm on my way, young lady! I will save you! What!?! Oh crap, the video ended. Now I'll never know what happened. How will i save her? Hmmm ... I guess I'll have to watch it over and over to find clues that will help me solve this mystery.
Long before anybody saw 300 it seemed very polarizing. Either you thought it would be the greatest movie ever, or you thought it would be the most overrated movie ever. The culture has come to the point where the actual product doesn't even matter anymore, all that matters is the hype. And it's the hype that turns me off. So many people ranting and raving about something that is "supposed to be" great, but they have no idea, because all they've seen is 60 seconds of it. Meh.
Besides, the whole screaming guy with a beard has been done already, remember Prince Vultan from Flash Gordon? They just changed his name to King Leonidas.
I think the most brutal review I've seen of 300 so far is written by A.O. Scot of the New York Times. He says, "'300' is about as violent as 'Apocalypto' and twice as stupid.", and, "Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s “Team America,” whose wooden puppets were more compelling actors than most of the cast of '300'".
The same dude (Brandon Hardesty) who does the Princess Bride Iocaine powder scene reenactment which I previously posted has created almost a dozen movie scene re-enactments. Nothing fancy, I just think they're kind of fun. I know nothing about the kid who makes these, but I'll bet he's Canadian. Just a gut feeling.
I haven't tried it yet (when I do, I'll let you know the results), but a couple radio guys tried it and read their matches on air. They were WAY off. It told one guy he looked like Larry Bird and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Enjoy.
"You're standing at the line, it's time to make the free throws."
Pepper your speech with these crocoPuffs-created, sports-related metaphors; people will respect and fear you! You will become the recognized authority on everything!
Two new videos have popped up, both named Lazy Monday.
The first is a West Coast response to the original Lazy Sunday which can be found at www.narniarapbattle.com (now there's a phrase I never thought I'd hear, "Narnia rap battle").
The second is a remake of the original, using the original audio with all new video. Considering the original was made way back in December 2005, it was clearly ripe for a remake. Check it out.
I know this is old now (a whole 3 weeks), but if you haven't seen the "Lazy Sunday" music video from SNL with Andy Sandberg and Chris Parnell, you should grab the download of it off iTunes and check it out.
And when you're done with that, you can read up on Andy's history and how he got on SNL by visiting The Lonely Island. Don't miss "Awsometown", the failed pilot these guys shot, it's funnier than SNL has been the last two seasons.
In fact, it's hard to believe these guys are writing for SNL. Who can tell? SNL has been as unfunny as it's ever been.
"Coach put you in the game, now it's time to prove you belong."
Pepper your speech with these crocoPuffs-created, sports-related metaphors; people will respect and fear you! You will become the recognized authority on everything!
"It only takes one guy to fumble the ball, but the whole team loses."
Pepper your speech with these crocoPuffs-created, sports-related metaphors; people will respect and fear you! You will become the recognized authority on everything!
"When the refs aren't calling the fouls, you just have to play through it."
Pepper your speech with these crocoPuffs-created, sports-related metaphors; people will respect and fear you! You will become the recognized authority on everything!
"You're standing at the line, it's time to make the free throws."
Pepper your speech with these crocoPuffs-created, sports-related metaphors; people will respect and fear you! You will become the recognized authority on everything!
"We've scored the touchdown, now it's time to kick the extra point."
Pepper your speech with these crocoPuffs-created, sports-related metaphors; people will respect and fear you! You will become the recognized authority on everything!
There are a lot of dumb jokes I hate. I know they're intended to be cheerful little friendly blurbs, but goddammit, they piss me off!
"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
Hardy-fucking-har.
That is the stupidest, cheesiest, oldest wisecrack in the book of stupid, cheesy, old wisecracks.
What I hate most is how overused it is. Usually some nerd will whip it out on you when you ask the most benign of questions, like, "What kind of sandwich is that?"
And when I say "nerd", I mean it. I think you know the kind of person I'm talking about here. The kind of person who thinks "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," is funny.
Next person who says that to me gets a flipping ninja foot to the ass.
Because sit around singing ancient rap lyrics to myself in my head, I was thinking about this classic Run-DMC verse today:
I'm the king of rock,
there is none higher!
Sucker MCs,
should call me sire!
To burn my kingdom,
you must use fire!
Really? Okay then, hand me a match. Your kingdom doesn't sound very secure to me. In terms of smack talking, that's not a very strong lyric. I think the verse should have went something like this:
I'm the king of rock,
there is none higher!
Sucker MCs,
should call me sire!
To burn my kingdom,
you must use an air-to-ground nuclear missile!
But I guess that doesn't rhyme with "higher", does it?
A co-worker needed a ride home last night, I was happy to oblige because he's provided hours of entertainment lately by way of jokes at his expense. You see, he can't drive right now because he hurt his neck. From a sneeze. Yes, Mr. Tie-quan-doe-black-belt injured his neck while sneezing. Pussy.
When informed of this serious neck injury (which kept him out of work for a week) crocoWife suggested he might have been trying to give himself a blowjob. And I was thinking, "Yeah! I bet he was! Pervert. Sneeze, my ass!"
Anyway, while waiting for the elevator to the parking garage, the doors opened and a woman came charging out of the box. Until she realized, hey, this ain't the garage, at which point she threw us a look as if it was our fault she tried to get off on the wrong floor. Man, the look on her face was hilarious, her embarrassment complete, then she ran back into the elevator and repeatedly pressed the "close doors" button (which everyone knows is broken).
Our building only has three floors. We were on the second floor, so for her to have been on the "down" elevator meant she was coming from the third floor. That look she gave us, she clearly couldn't comprehend what happened to the parking level, as if we somehow moved the garage and replaced it with our floor so that we could purposely delay her descent. The entire ride down I choked on my laughter to avoid snickering over her shoulder.
How can a person be so blissfully unaware of their surroundings that they can't tell the difference between a one floor elevator ride and a three floor ride? The elevator "dings" at every floor, all you need is to be able to count to three.
Then I drove "sneezy" home. Rain was falling in buckets so I dropped him off at the bottom of the hill, a few blocks away from his house. I couldn't drive him directly to his doorstep, I wanted to get my car out of the rain storm and into its nice warm garage.
Remember when the Superfriends reenacted the Budweiser "Wassup" commercial? Well, now the talented acting troupe has taken on Office Space. Check it out here.
My grocery store has a few self-checkout lanes where shoppers scan and bag their own groceries. The other day I was utilizing the "convenience" of said technological marvel when I noticed that whoever used the station before me didn't take their receipt with them, it was still hanging from the printer. Me being nosy, I took a peek at it. Check it out:
Yeah, condoms and rib bones. Let's speculate as to what might be going down at someone's house causing the shopping list to constitute condoms and rib bones. Think the condoms are placed on the bones and the bones placed somewhere ... uncomfortable? Maybe it's just an innocent night of cooking soup and having sex. Probably some casanova's idea of a hot date.
Today crocoKid was eating noodles and somehow managed to get a piece of one in her nose. CrocoWife started digging around in there, trying to get the noodle out. "I can't get it," she said.
Trying to be helpful, I offered, "Maybe you need a pair of noodle-nose pliers."
"Shut up," she said, laughing.
That may be the greatest pun ever. I deserve an award.
The Onion has a hilarious report detailing the leisure time hours that are constantly lost. "Week after week of potential relaxation time is squandered to jobs, with millions of would-be leisurers prohibited from sleeping in." Read it here.
This is old news, but I was thinking about it today and it made me laugh all over again.
Fact #1: Some toy company created a toy called the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Broom which was being sold on amazon.com. The broom is battery powered which enables the broom to - among other things - vibrate. A vibrating toy broom, got it?
Fact #2: Amazon.com has a system which allows customers to review products. You can give a product a grade and write some comments. For the aforementioned vibrating broom, some pranksters started posting comments like these:
"I bought this broom for my daughter for her birthday. She and her friends really love it! They play with it for hours at a time in her bedroom!"
"I purchased the Harry Potter broom for my son, but he didn't really like it that much. But his sister loves it! She took it out of his closet and just keeps it in her room all the time."
An oldie but a goodie. Bubb Rubb, Lil' Sis, and the infamous "whistle tips." "You supposed to be up cookin' breakfast or something by then. Whooo-wooo!"
The man, the myth, the legend: Bubb Rubb.
You've been scouring the information superhighway for techno tracks featuring Star Trek characters, right? Well, search no more! Get yout Star Trek shmoove on.
