Fans of Cloverfield, I can hear you now. You think my inner child is dead, that I'm one of those uptight squares or too-cool-for-schools that doesn't know how to simply enjoy a good time at the movies. I assure you my inner child is alive and kicking ... Read entire Review
You've heard the news that Michael Vick, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback, has received a federal indictment for involvement in an illegal dog fighting/breeding/torturing/killing ring. There's no question he has some serious hurdles to jump if he plans to avoid jail time.
But let's assume for a moment that he gets convicted and sent to federal prison. He's a superstar NFL quarterback with Fortune 500 endorsement deals. His jersey is a top seller. He's an amazing athlete. Clearly, the warden will choose him to be the quarterback of the prison football team. Vick will field a team with a bunch of ragtag amateurs and tough guys. Using his charisma and street smarts he'll recruit guys to make the team more formidable. He'll become good friends with a wacky prisoner who is able to get anything he needs from the outside, for a price. He'll become enemies with the warden and prison guards. He'll hold scrimmages against other prison teams (which are made up entirely of NFL players). And finally, he'll lead his team to victory in a revenge game against a team made up of the prison guards.
Or maybe he'll just get shanked by a jealous hater.
This. Is. Awesome. The best YouTube video of the month (so far). Did you know that Airplane! is largely a spoof of one particular film, Zero Hour? If so, here is the proof you've been waiting for! If not, here is the proof that you didn't know existed!
In an unbelievable story, a golfer, while attemptng to retrieve his golf ball from a pond, gets bit and pulled into the pond by an alligator. Which is the identical back-story of the character Chubbs from Happy Gilmore! The amazing coincidence includes the fact that the alligator had only one eye. Another detail which matches the film exactly!
Today isn't April 1, but this story sounds like a prank. It resembles the Adam Sandler comedy so closely as to be almost unbelievable.
Here are some lyrics from the song "Under the Sea" from the film The Little Mermaid:
The newt play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass
And they soundin' sharp
The bass play the brass
Each little slug here
Cutting a rug here
How can Ariel know about flutes, harps, bass, brass instruments, and rugs, but not know what a fucking fork is? She combs her damn hair with them. None of those instruments would be very effective under water, and surely mer-people don't use rugs on the ocean floor, do they? So the only way they could know about them is because they came from the Human world. And oh, by the way Ariel, that "triton" your dad carries around ... is a giant fork! Nobody ever looked at that thing and thought, "gee, a smaller version would be perfect for stabbing food and shoveling it into my mouth."
Long before anybody saw 300 it seemed very polarizing. Either you thought it would be the greatest movie ever, or you thought it would be the most overrated movie ever. The culture has come to the point where the actual product doesn't even matter anymore, all that matters is the hype. And it's the hype that turns me off. So many people ranting and raving about something that is "supposed to be" great, but they have no idea, because all they've seen is 60 seconds of it. Meh.
Besides, the whole screaming guy with a beard has been done already, remember Prince Vultan from Flash Gordon? They just changed his name to King Leonidas.
I think the most brutal review I've seen of 300 so far is written by A.O. Scot of the New York Times. He says, "'300' is about as violent as 'Apocalypto' and twice as stupid.", and, "Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s “Team America,” whose wooden puppets were more compelling actors than most of the cast of '300'".
From an Associated Press article, published on MSNBC, regarding today's Oscar nominations:
"The year’s biggest hit, Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, earned only one nomination (for makeup) - but was shut out otherwise - including the visual-effects category, a blow to George Lucas and his Industrial Light & Magic outfit that has pioneered special effects. The visual effects nominees were The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, King Kong, and Spielberg's War of the Worlds."
Sounds pretty straightforward, right? Until you consider the fact that ILM did the work and recieved the nominations for both The Chronicles of Narnia, and War of the Worlds. Yeah, that's a real blow to ILM, only recieiving two of the three nominations in the category. Nice research, Associated Press. Morons.
Have you seen the trailer for the upcoming Jamie Foxx movie Stealth? If not, don't bother. It looks like crap. It's Top Gun meets Short Circuit meets WarGames.
Seriously, it looks like the crappiest crapfest I've seen in a while. If you need proof, I looked it up on IMDB and discovered it was directed by Stupid McRetard, and written by Crapper Shitaton.
Okay, I actually did look it up in IMDB this time, and ... shocker! It was directed by Rob Cohen, king of the crappy action film (see The Fast and the Furious and Daylight).
Memo to the filmmakers of Stealth:
- One of the reasons Top Gun killed in theatres is because it featured real footage of real fighter jets.
- One of the reasons WarGames became an all-time classic is because it showed the way a real hacker might theoretically hack a real military computer.
- Sensing a theme here? Realism, morons! There's nothing real about Stealth that I can see. Fake planes, fake visual effects, recycled storyline. YAWN ...
Now, if you want to see a GOOD trailer. If you want to see a kickass trailer with real stuntwork and an engaging story. Then click here.
I've officially decided I will not watch The Matrix III, aka Matrix Revolutions. It's been recorded on my TiVo for over a month, begging me to watch it. I finally deleted it.
I liked the first, did not like the second, had no desire to see the third. But I figured I'd watch it to finish what I started, you know, complete the trilogy for completeness's sake. But fuck it. I don't really want to see it and I heard it sucks anyway. Fuck The Matrix.
Remember when the Superfriends reenacted the Budweiser "Wassup" commercial? Well, now the talented acting troupe has taken on Office Space. Check it out here.
This movie looks ridiculous. Don't believe me? Watch the trailer and see for yourself how much of a sellout this is. It's Kindergarten Cop meets Mr. Mom meets Daddy Day Care.
While I'm on the subject, I'm tired of films that portray child-rearing as nothing but changing dirty diapers and running haphazardly through a grocery store. Dirty diapers are the least of a real parent's concerns. The kids in these movies never seem to have any personality or feelings of their own. They just stand by idly while the adults run around frantically. You could swap these kids from one movie to the next, because they're all the same in the eyes of Hollywood. Those cliches are played out. How about a film that addresses children in a realistic - but still humorous - way? Oh, I just remembered, Hollywood has no idea what it means to raise kids. These are people who stay perpetually single, and if they do have kids they hire 2 nannies per child. Never mind.
It never rang true to me, but so many people reported it, I started to believe. Finally somebody uses their noggin to rebut the allegation that the video game industry is a bigger revenue generator than Hollywood. Grumpy Gamer lays it out.
Renee Zellweger prefers to sport bigger breasts. Seriously, she does. I don't make this stuff up, you know. Click the link to find out, fool! Renee Zellweger's boobs
