Christina Aguilera appeared on Ellen DeGeneres's show and dressed to impress. Here she is with her giant jugs for all to enjoy. The first 80 seconds is all you need to see ...
Either you get it and you know what this is about, or you don't. I can thank my "friend" Mike for introducing me to the wild world of parties and lemons.
This. Is. Awesome. The best YouTube video of the month (so far). Did you know that Airplane! is largely a spoof of one particular film, Zero Hour? If so, here is the proof you've been waiting for! If not, here is the proof that you didn't know existed!
In an unbelievable story, a golfer, while attemptng to retrieve his golf ball from a pond, gets bit and pulled into the pond by an alligator. Which is the identical back-story of the character Chubbs from Happy Gilmore! The amazing coincidence includes the fact that the alligator had only one eye. Another detail which matches the film exactly!
Today isn't April 1, but this story sounds like a prank. It resembles the Adam Sandler comedy so closely as to be almost unbelievable.
Yo! Have you been to the new Disney theme park in China? It's totally awesome! Except that Disney had nothing to do with it. This is copyright infringement to the max, people!
They've got a Minnie Mouse lookalike who they claim is a cat with big ears. They've got Tigger, Snow White, and Donald Duck lookalikes too. Not to mention a castle and grounds that are not unlike a real Disney property. This is awesome! You should check it out. Now!
I've provided commentary below this video, which you should read while viewing, for full comedic effect (may be NSFW, it's borderline).
Wow! Look at her huge ... book! She must really love to read. What is that? War and Peace? She reads such large books, she must be some kind of academic. A college student, perhaps? She's really into that book ... something about the way she reads makes me unable to look away. Fascinating.
Ooohhh, she licks her finger when turning pages. She's a pro! She must be a librarian or something. Now she's a little uncomfortable, she's shifting around and opening her legs, now she's touching her leg. I wonder if she has a bugbite on her leg that is making her so uncomfortable. Oh, now I see ... she's getting sleepy. She's turned onto her back a little and raised her arm above her head, the classic getting-ready-to-sleep pose. Jesus! I just noticed how large her breasts are! Those things are gigantic!
Okay, she's sitting up now. She's ready to read again, I think. Oh, but first she needs to brush something off her boob. Damn! That is one huge boob. Uh, do you think she realizes her breast is about to fall out of her top? Phew! Yes, she did notice, she's adjusting her shirt now. Err, well, maybe not. She seems to be just feeling the fabric of her shirt. That's weird.
I wonder if she's ever going to get back to reading that book? Hey, why is she looking at me like that? If I didn't know better, I'd say she wants to bang me. Wait a second, I don't think she's a librarian at all. And now ... good lord! Now what's happening? The book seems to have some kind of magnetic pull on her tits! They're swaying back and forth, fighting against the book's gravitational forces. She's looking at me again. I think she needs help. Her eyes are pleading with me to help her breasts stop swinging! I'm on my way, young lady! I will save you! What!?! Oh crap, the video ended. Now I'll never know what happened. How will i save her? Hmmm ... I guess I'll have to watch it over and over to find clues that will help me solve this mystery.
The U.S. FDA defines the standard which requires chocolate manufacturers to use approved ingredients in making chocolate. Currently there is a proposal in front of the FDA which would change the accepted ingredients to allow other (read: cheaper) substitutions, such as vegetable fats in place of cocoa butter.
What this means to you ... All those crappy "chocolate-flavored" items on grocery store shelves would now qualify as chocolate. And candy manufacturers could change their recipes to use inferior ingredients to make "chocolate" and save money on the deal to boot. Think the chocolate will taste just as good or better? Hell no! Think they will at least pass those savings on to the consumer? Hell no!
This change was submitted to the FDA by the Chocolate Manufacturers Association, whose members include Hershey and Nestle. I make this promise to you, Internets: if the FDA changes the standard, I will never purchase another Hershey or Nestle product.
I love a good heated, passionate debate. I wish there would be more of this on television. I wish this is how political debates went down. Imagine a real throwdown between the next presidential candidates. Sweet.
Thanks to my hosting provider, who "upgraded" the servers last month, my blog got blown away, so I've spent the last few weeks re-creating every entry. Now I'm back in action, to bring you all the stuff you missed due to my absence.
First up: Fast food ads vs. reality. This is exactly what you think it is. Photos of fast food products (big mac, whopper) as purchased in the store compared to images of the same products as shown in advertisements. Sounds scandalous, right? But it's not really. You'd have to be brain dead to think you are going to get the exact same product as shown to you in an advertisement. The point of advertising is to make the product look as appealing as possible, just short of out-and-out lying to the customer. On that scale, most of these products fair pretty well, I think. The "famous bowl", and the whopper are probably the products that appear least like the advertisement.
Yesterday the Dow Jones suffered its worst single day decline in over five years. Today, according to KSTP Eyewitness News in Minnesota, "Computer glitch triggered Dow Jones plunge"
Which is an extremely misleading headline. I question the integrity of its author.
If you read the entire article (which is from the AP) you learn that the "glitch" in question was the computer system catching up on a backlog of activity, and to observers the Dow appeared to plunge very quickly in the afternoon when the decline had actually occurred throughout the day. KSTP's headline makes it sound like it was the computer's fault that the plunge happened at all.
No computer triggered any plunge. The computer simply did the math on the trades that had occurred and reported the resultant numbers. The computer was backed-up due to high volumes, so when it caught up quickly and reported the updates, it appeared as if the Dow dropped 200 points instantaneously.
To report the story with the implication that it was a computer's fault is akin to blaming a radio announcer for a horse's loss in a race.
For example: Say Horse #5 is winning a race, but right at the end horse #3 passes him for the win. On the radio the announcer says, "And #5 is in the lead as they head down the stretch! Looks like #5 has it all sewn up! And they cross they finish line ... #3 is the winner!"
Next day, the headline would be "Radio announcer triggers #5 horse to lose". The announcer's mistake was that he failed to mention the point when #3 passed #5, and by the time he caught up with the race, #3 had won. The announcer did not trigger #5 to lose the race, he had nothing to do with it.
I know I'm a wet blanket for arguing the point. But it's indicative of the way technology related stories are reported by those who do not understand technology. Whoever wrote that headline simply paraphrased the first sentence of the article without understanding the full story.
It wouldn't have been very hard to choose a better headline, such as ComputerWorld's more accurate, "Computer glitch made market drop seem worse." Or the L.A. Times's less misleading, "A computer glitch distorts Dow's drop, then exacerbates it."
The CEO of Goldman Sachs, Lloyd Blankfein, received a bonus of $53.4 million dollars. Apparently it's a record setting amount for a bonus.
I want to take a moment to think about that money. What else could be done with it? How deserving is Mr. Blankfein of this huge sum of cash? I have to argue, not very. I'm sure he works hard and all that, and his company earned a dozen boat loads of money, but still, the success of his company is determined more by market conditions than anything he did. If they had a different guy at CEO, would they have performed much worse? I doubt it.
Here's what that amount of money could represent instead.
* $53,000 annual salary for 1,000 people for one year.
* The cash purchase of $270,000 homes for 200 families.
* The down payments on $270,000 homes for 1,300 families.
I'm not saying it is Goldman Sachs's responsibility to be more charitable with their money, but I guarantee there are people working within that company who could use the money, who are underpaid, who are under appreciated, who are part of the backbone of what makes that company tick.
And in this age of such severe income inequality, and dwindling middle class, I think companies should do all they can to help rebuild the middle class instead of increasing the divide between rich and poor.
Thanks in no small part to my blog entry last week the O.J. Simpson book and television special have been canceled. Chalk this up as another win for me, I'm influencing your lives daily!
The only thing I want to hear from O.J. Simpson for the rest of my life is when he announces he's willing to waive his double jeopardy risk and agree to be tried again for the crimes he committed allegedly committed.
For the full story on the book and TV show cancellation, go to the news site of your choice. If you can't think of one, or are too lazy to type, then just click here.
I'd already heard that O.J. Simpson was writing a book about how he "hypothetically would have" killed his ex-wife and her friend, maybe you had too. But the story blew up today with the announcement that there will also be a television interview airing on FOX as publicity for the book.
Let me understand this. He's going to explain how he "would have" committed the murders IF it were he who did it? This is insane! Imagine if Scott Peterson had been found innocent, and the next day he said, "I didn't do it, but here's how I WOULD HAVE done it"? It's ridiculous! More to the point, can you imagine an innocent man who loved his wife very much, whose wife was murdered, and the husband had absolutely nothing to do with it, come out and say "here's how I WOULD HAVE done it." Such a thought never crosses the mind of an innocent man.
I think it's beyond debate at this point that he murdered two people, got away with it, and is now profiting monetarily from it. All I can ask is that nobody buy his book or watch the TV interview. I don't care how badly you want to know the "truth" (which we already know anyway). I don't care how badly you want to hear him admit it. Don't watch the damn show, and don't buy the damn book!
It's time for us to blame ourselves for this nonsense. To blame our culture for letting it go on so long. For still being interested. For laughing at the jokes on late-night television. It's all on us. If we had paid no attention to this in the first place, it wouldn't be the phenomenon that it is.
So, anywho ... any word on finding the "real killers" yet? I don't mean to be trite. I seriously would like to know if ANY person at ANY time has EVER been seriously considered as a possible suspect. No? Not one person, you say? Ever? Shocker.
According to this report a very rare stamp, known as the "Inverted jenny", may have been received on the envelope of a Florida voting ballot, and is currently held in a box that can't be opened for 22 months by law. This smells like such an obvious hoax. Conveniently, nobody will know the truth for almost 2 years. And no one will remember or care by then, most of all me. As a co-worker put it: "Oh my god, I found this rare stamp, let me shove the envelope into this box that can't be opened for months!"
Good for you, Broward County Commissioner John Rodstrom. You got your name in the paper. You're probably semi-famous in your county. And you get to ride that celebrity for the next two years, at which point the stamp will have been forgotten, or the ballot box will be opened and it will be discovered that, whoops! It's not the stamp you thought you saw, after all. Nice work! As they say, there's a sucker born every minute.
I won't be the first or the last person to post this today. Apparently Faith Hill believes she is a far superior vocalist to Carrie Underwood, and displays her disgust in this video.
The best part is the way she raises her arms right after the name is called, but just before she realizes it wasn't her. Soooo egomaniacal, she was just sooo sure she was the winner. I love this.
Oh boy, and today's spin is good too. Apparently, Faith was just joking. Just joking? Please! We've seen the video, does she really expect us to believe that was a joke? What gives her away is that she holds her arms up in victory before it dawns on her that her name was not called, and the look of recognition which crosses her face. That was no joke, that was her genuine reaction. It was so beautifully genuine, it's an insult for her to claim it as a joke.
"The country music superstar says she was just joking when cameras showed her screaming 'WHAT?' in apparent anger when she lost the female vocalist of the year award to newcomer Carrie Underwood"
This wacky guy started with one red paperclip and is attempting to trade up to a house. He's not doing so bad. Currently he has "one role in a movie" to trade.
The same dude (Brandon Hardesty) who does the Princess Bride Iocaine powder scene reenactment which I previously posted has created almost a dozen movie scene re-enactments. Nothing fancy, I just think they're kind of fun. I know nothing about the kid who makes these, but I'll bet he's Canadian. Just a gut feeling.
Here is the one piece of news that makes me want to move to China.
"A recent report about bigger-breasted Chinese women wasn't news to bra makers in China -- most of whom started making larger-sized bras last year.
...
"'we increased production of C-, D- and E-cup products and found sales booming,'
...
"a Triumph saleswoman at a major Hong Kong shopping mall, said she's surprised to find many women under the age of 20 need bras with C, D or even E cups."
I haven't tried it yet (when I do, I'll let you know the results), but a couple radio guys tried it and read their matches on air. They were WAY off. It told one guy he looked like Larry Bird and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Enjoy.
Two new videos have popped up, both named Lazy Monday.
The first is a West Coast response to the original Lazy Sunday which can be found at www.narniarapbattle.com (now there's a phrase I never thought I'd hear, "Narnia rap battle").
The second is a remake of the original, using the original audio with all new video. Considering the original was made way back in December 2005, it was clearly ripe for a remake. Check it out.
This is an excellent essay written by Paul Graham. It's full of the kind of information many people come to discover too late in life. The kind of information people wish they had understood when they were younger. Well, if you're still young, here's a chance to get ahead of the game. Luckily for me, I know everything already, so it wasn't necessary for me to read it, but you can use all the help you can get.
I know this is old now (a whole 3 weeks), but if you haven't seen the "Lazy Sunday" music video from SNL with Andy Sandberg and Chris Parnell, you should grab the download of it off iTunes and check it out.
And when you're done with that, you can read up on Andy's history and how he got on SNL by visiting The Lonely Island. Don't miss "Awsometown", the failed pilot these guys shot, it's funnier than SNL has been the last two seasons.
In fact, it's hard to believe these guys are writing for SNL. Who can tell? SNL has been as unfunny as it's ever been.
With the Someone keeps stealing my letters... game it's an all out frenzy of letter madness! The point is to spell words or make piles of letters or prevent others from spelling words, or whatever you feel like doing, while the other "players" use the same set of letters. And the other players are ruthless. Good luck!
"Oil companies tried their best to get us to feel sorry for them in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.
...
But then came the third-quarter earnings reports from companies such as ExxonMobil, BP and Conoco-Phillips.
ExxonMobil said its profit rose by 75 percent. Conoco-Phillips was up 89 percent. BP was the piker among the three with only a 34 percent increase in profits.
So much for sympathy."
Motherfucking oil companies. And to me, it's not even about the oil. I only drive a car twice a week for 5 minutes each way. It's the principle. Companies should not be allowed to get away with this shit!
Where are the reduced gasoline prices to make it up to the consumers? Where are the money-hungry lawyers' class action lawsuits? The article states, "Politicians from both sides of the aisle are calling for investigations into the huge profits." Which is just the government's way of looking like they care, when really all they want is to give the appearance of outrage, but I'll bet nothing comes of it. Why do we - the consumers - not seem to care about this?
Because we're sheeple! We simply pay the price and bend over to take it the ass. That's the American way!
Truthfully, it's because we feel like there's nothing we can do. Our system is set up in such a way that we have elected officials that are supposed to take care of the "people." But they don't. We can't trust politicians to take care of us, and we have no other effective means to affect change (key word is "effective"). Sure you can set up a protest, or an internet site, but those tactics are simply not effective.
There's a stigma of "lazy" attached to people who stay up late and sleep late. They're unmotivated or whatever ... blah blah blah. Truth is, I listen to my body. If I don't feel tired, I don't go to sleep. And I wake up when I wake up. I hate the artificial wake up that alarm clocks force upon me, which is why I ignore them at every opportunity.
It's about time some light was shed on this topic. I'm feeling very jealous about the program in Minnesota that moved the school start time back. I wish I'd had that option in High School.
To attract a mate, the Manakin moonwalks. This sucker glides across the branch smooth as silk. He dances better than you! And he gets more bird hoo-hah than you get from humans, anyway.
A 7.2 earthquake hit 85 miles off the coast of Northern California this evening at 7:50 p.m. A tsunami warning was issued for the west coast from Vancouver to the Mexican border. Then the warning was promptly canceled ten minutes later.
In summary, there was no tsunami. There was no threat of a tsunami, and there is no future tsunami.
Can you guess what the top 11pm news story was on 4 out of 4 bay area television channels? Correct, the top story was that no tsunami occurred this evening. Great, I needed an investigative reporter to tell me that? All I need to do is look down at my feet and notice the lack of water coursing through my abode.
Look, it's not like we were in the middle of the tsunami warning, either. By 11pm, we had known for 2 hours that there was no tsunami. They chose to report a non-story. And in other news, there were no hurricanes in Oregon today.
You know what this is about? It's about fear. It's geological experts fearing the next tsunami will come without a warning, just like last time. It's news desks fearing they will miss a news story. It's the general tradition of Americans not knowing what to do with themselves if they aren't fearing something. That's why every bullshit oceanic earthquake is going to generate a tsunami bulletin of some kind for the rest of our lives. It will walk down the aisle with the constant "elevated" terror level we live under. It's CYA time fellas, because nobody wants to be blamed for not warning of the next disaster.
When the terrorists strike next, the government can say, "we warned you." When the next tsunami or tornado hits, they can say, "we warned you." Which is very nice, but what about all those days you warned us and nothing happened? Remember when we were being advised to stock up on bottled water and to have plastic sheets and duct tape on hand to seal our homes? Ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?
Fuck this. Anybody who lives in fear, or makes decisions based on fear is a fucking pussy.
Airports are taking a crack at some new scanning technology which sees through clothes, showing a virtually naked person in the image. What nobody knows is that I've had this installed in my house for years. Because I think seeing my friends and family "nude" is good times.
I don't see the big deal myself. If they want to Superman me before I get on the plane to ensure I'm not carrying something evil, fine. I don't care.
If you are lacking in the sense of humor department, don't bother clicking here. If you are open minded and know funny shit when you see it, click away! Black people love us.
If you have any interest in the business of advertising or marketing, check out this interesting read from The New Yorker.
It chronicles the creation of the Aflac duck, explains why "you deserve a break today" was so successful for McDonalds, and examines the current state of advertising vs. it's traditional methods.
The Pope died, and I could not care less. I mean, I felt more upset when Johnnie Carson died, and I wasn't very upset over that at all. If I'm being honest, Johnnie had more of an impact on my life than the Pope.
The only reason I'm bothering to post this is because EVERYBODY is talking about the Pope and I wish they would shut the hell up.
Celine Dion calls her Las Vegas audiences sleepy drunks. "People come here for four days, they eat too much, drink too many free drinks, they get sick from all that, they are jet-lagged sometimes so they just sit in the seat and sleep," she said.
Well yeah, that ... or your boring show sends people into a deep fucking slumber.
Remember when the Superfriends reenacted the Budweiser "Wassup" commercial? Well, now the talented acting troupe has taken on Office Space. Check it out here.
The Onion has a hilarious report detailing the leisure time hours that are constantly lost. "Week after week of potential relaxation time is squandered to jobs, with millions of would-be leisurers prohibited from sleeping in." Read it here.
When I was a kid, I read books about the Berenstein Bears. Some time in the last 20 years, they were changed to the Berenstain Bears. Stein, Stain. What, bears can't be Jewish?
And tonight, ABC ran the Charlie Brown Valentine special. Not "Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown", from 1975 which we all watched for years, but "A Charlie Brown Valentine" from 2002. What the hell was wrong with the original? All the voice work is WAY wrong in the 2002 version. They barely sound like the same characters from all those great 1970s cartoons, Lucy in particular sounds nothing like she should.
So what's with all the changes? I can understand changes if something became offensive as time passed, but c'mon ... BerenSTAIN Bears? What the fuck.
This is old news, but I was thinking about it today and it made me laugh all over again.
Fact #1: Some toy company created a toy called the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Broom which was being sold on amazon.com. The broom is battery powered which enables the broom to - among other things - vibrate. A vibrating toy broom, got it?
Fact #2: Amazon.com has a system which allows customers to review products. You can give a product a grade and write some comments. For the aforementioned vibrating broom, some pranksters started posting comments like these:
"I bought this broom for my daughter for her birthday. She and her friends really love it! They play with it for hours at a time in her bedroom!"
"I purchased the Harry Potter broom for my son, but he didn't really like it that much. But his sister loves it! She took it out of his closet and just keeps it in her room all the time."
Have you ever watched a weatherman masterfully work his way through the digital backdrop and wonder how much practice it takes to become so fluent in televised weathercasting? Here's a guy who needs a lot more practice.
Poor guy ... Watch the video
It never rang true to me, but so many people reported it, I started to believe. Finally somebody uses their noggin to rebut the allegation that the video game industry is a bigger revenue generator than Hollywood. Grumpy Gamer lays it out.
An oldie but a goodie. Bubb Rubb, Lil' Sis, and the infamous "whistle tips." "You supposed to be up cookin' breakfast or something by then. Whooo-wooo!"
The man, the myth, the legend: Bubb Rubb.
Same deal as the subservient chicken. Tell her to: take a shower, pillow fight, eat a banana, do the robot, take off shirt, jedi fight, take a nap, kiss a girl, and much more! Bonus: Girl playing the role of bartender? Tammy Plante. Subservient Bartender
