There is a new crocoBaby in the house! You shall all rejoice! It's a boy, so I now have a complete set of the various genders that babies come in.

New crocoBaby is more awesome than you, so don't email him with any questions or complaints unless you want to get smacked down by a newborn.

New crocoBaby is not as awesome as me. I will put him in his place if he tries to take over this site.

That is all.

Here are some lyrics from the song "Under the Sea" from the film The Little Mermaid:

The newt play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass
And they soundin' sharp
The bass play the brass

Each little slug here
Cutting a rug here

How can Ariel know about flutes, harps, bass, brass instruments, and rugs, but not know what a fucking fork is?  She combs her damn hair with them.  None of those instruments would be very effective under water, and surely mer-people don't use rugs on the ocean floor, do they?  So the only way they could know about them is because they came from the Human world.  And oh, by the way Ariel, that "triton" your dad carries around ... is a giant fork!  Nobody ever looked at that thing and thought, "gee, a smaller version would be perfect for stabbing food and shoveling it into my mouth."

Merfolk are strange.

From the back seat of the car, crocoKid sings:

"This old man, he plays two
he plays knick-knack on your poo!

"HA AHH HAHAH HA!

"This old man, he plays three
he plays knick-knack on your pee!

"HEE EEH HEHEE HEE!"

With a knick-knack paddywhack,
give a dog a phone.
This old man went rolling home!

Me:  Don't stand on the arm of the chair, please.
crocoKid:  Why ... ?
Me:  Because you might get hurt.
crocoKid:  Why ... ?
Me:  Because you might fall off.
crocoKid:  Why ... ?
Me:  Because you could lose your balance.
crocoKid:  Why ... ?
Me:  Because your inner ear isn't working at the same level as an adult's.
crocoKid:  Why ... ?
Me:  Because you're only 2 and a half.
crocoKid:  Why ... ?
Me:  Because that's when you were born, two and a half years ago.
crocoKid:  Why ... ?
Me:  ...
crocoKid:  Daddy?  Watch this!
Me:  Don't stand on the arm of the chair, please.
crocoKid:  Why ... ?

Served crocoKid dinner tonight.  Chicken with catsup for dipping.  And some strawberries on the side.

Does it go without saying that she dipped the strawberries in the catsup and ate them?  Well she did.  And she loved it.

Barf.

I enjoyed a lovely weekend with the family this ... weekend.  We drove to Monterey and grooved on the beach and at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  At the aquarium, crocoKid liked the jellyfish, didn't like the giant tuna, too scary with their downturned mouths and ugly grey scales.  And she was surprisingly indifferent to the sea otters.  I love the sea otters, those filthy showoffs.  They dive and loop and swim on their backs and wrestle with kelp and the more people watching, they more they do it.  They're just so cute!

Then we ventured into San Francisco to attend a "Bugs Bunny on Broadway" performance by the San Francisco Symphony (see, I gots culture).  The show is fantastic, this was the second time we've seen it, first time for crocoKid.  She was good for about an hour of it, and we left during intermission.  My motivation for mentioning it here is because it's a great show, but the damn thing wasn't even close to sold out.

I didn't realize it was playing until early last week when I received a postcard from the symphony soliciting ticket buyers.  We didn't have plans for Saturday, so we picked up the tix.  Obviously, sending a mailer so late meant they really needed to sell some tickets.

Here's how it works, they project Bugs Bunny cartoons on a big screen (not quite movie theatre size) while the orchestra plays the cartoons' music live.  And they show all the classics: "One Froggy Evening", "Bunny of Seville", "High Note."  It's a fun show, so I was shocked at the number of empty seats.

It's a traveling show -- sponsored by Warner Bros. -- so check your local symphony's schedule.  If it's playing in your town, buy tickets today!

Yesterday at Target, crocoKid found a children's musical CD with a cartoon bus on the cover.  When she saw the bus, she began churning her arms and singing "wheels on the bus".  Indeed, "wheels on the bus" was one of the 20 hit songs featured on the disc, so we bought it for her.

We popped it into the car's CD player and our two year-old was very happily singing along with "wheels on the bus."  I scanned the songs to see what else she might like, and decided on "she'll be coming around the mountain."

So there we were, driving down the highway, crocoWife and I singing "she'll be coming around the mountain" at the top of our voices.  I turned around so I could witness firsthand all the fun crocoKid was surely having in the back seat.  She had turned to ice.

She looked at me with disgust, as if the song was the equivalent of musical porn.  She shook her head with dismay, put her ipod earphones in her ears, and looked away, gazing out the window and yearning for better days with better songs.

Yes, my wife and I are now the Griswolds.  We sing children's songs in the car that are too childish even for a two year-old.

Who doesn't love Play-Doh, particularly if you're a two year-old?  For her birthday crocoKid received a sweet George Foreman grill Play-Doh set.

Upon opening this wondrous toy, the first thing I did was grab the pink Play-Doh out of her hands and craft a pair of boobs.  Followed shortly thereafter by a penis with balls.  I regret that I neglected to snap a photo of these works of art for your viewing pleasure.  If you're lucky, maybe I'll re-create them and post some pictures in the future.

You can also make more pedestrian items like hot dogs and hamburgers too.  CrocoWife sculpted a lovely sausage with mustard, but I must admit it's not nearly as impressive (or sexy) as the boobs I made.

Then all of a sudden the crazy grill took a dump right on the table!  This is a child's toy?  Who thought it was a good idea to require diaper changes on the Play-Doh grill?  This is an outrage!

I wonder if I could fool anyone with that fake poo.  I'm thinking of leaving it at random locations around the neighborhood: someone's front porch, outside the McDonald's, in the frozen section of Albertson's.  Hilarity would ensue.

Today crocoKid was eating noodles and somehow managed to get a piece of one in her nose.  CrocoWife started digging around in there, trying to get the noodle out.  "I can't get it," she said.

Trying to be helpful, I offered, "Maybe you need a pair of noodle-nose pliers."

"Shut up," she said, laughing.

That may be the greatest pun ever.  I deserve an award.

My (almost 2 year-old) daughter received her very first Valentine's Day Card yesterday.  Her "boyfriend" sent it to her.  As you can see, it's very sweet.  And his handwriting is remarkably good for his age!

Then it struck me.  The wording on the card.  "First and cutest girlfriend."  I couldn't help but notice that it doesn't say "only."  And using the word "first" implies there is a "second."  I think he's cheating on her.

CrocoKid likes to play with shoes.  She'll put on a pair of my shoes and try to walk around in them.  When I ask her, "Are you wearing daddy's shoes?"  She sometimes says "no," and then laughs like a monkey on heroin.

At night when she's getting sleepy, she'll yawn and rub her eyes.  When I ask her, "Are you tired?".  She says "no.", then runs away laughing and yelling.  Then I put her in bed and she falls asleep.

Clearly, she is a lying, conniving, little bitch!

It's amazing that females know how to lie at such a young age.  Manipulation is just another manuever in the game of learning to be a woman.