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Feature Perfect ass
The science of ass watching.
February 7, 2005     (updated February 10, 2005)
Some folks think it's rude to look at women's butts.  I don't.  It seems a pretty natural thing to do.  When dudes are walking along, they're checking out the asses of the chicks in front of them.  Everybody does that shit.

Observing a person from behind is one of the few times you can check somebody out without fear of being thrown a dirty look.  You probably don't want your woman to see you looking at some chick's booty, she'll take it the wrong way and you'll be left trying to explain why your eyes were burning a hole in some woman's pants.  Wives and girlfriends shouldn't talk, anyway; women do the most ass glomming of anyone, offering comments and critiques like nobody's business.  But if their man happens to be looking, it's somehow an insult.

Sometimes, when a super-fine woman is walking towards you it's practically impossible to fight the urge to turn around and look after she passes by.  I don't know what it is, but with some women you just HAVE TO see their ass.  So you look over your shoulder, pretending to casually look for a misplaced friend, or acting like you forgot something back in the other direction.

Other guys are blatantly obvious about it, and frankly, they give the rest of us a bad name.  These clowns stop in their tracks, crane their necks around and stare.  Then they continue on their way with a smile on their face and a bounce to their step.  To a third party perspective those jackasses come across like Sir Sleaze-a-lot.  So everybody is forced to take quick peeks and pretend they're not really looking.

The scientific method

I'll make this crystal clear: gazing upon a woman's firm round bottom is not a sexual behavior.  No matter how hot she is, or how amazingly her cheeks bounce around in her jeans, men observe buttocks strictly as a means of information gathering, pure and simple.  There's nothing sexual about the search for the perfect skin muffin.  I assure you it's all very clinical.  So don't feel afraid to partake in this important scientific investigation yourself.

In fact, there are a number of enterprising websites you can find on the information superhighway devoted strictly to this type of field research.  Google for "ask 4 ass" and the results will lead you to a number of scientists who are willing to share video of their findings with you.  I applaud these skilled technicians in their efforts to document the empirical evidence.

Asses in fashion

I'm glad I live in the era of Jennifer Lopez.  I remember watching Selena the first time and thinking, "Damn!  Look at her butt, they're not even trying to hide it."  I was surprised because most movies block shots and edit scenes to avoid giving a good look at an actress's behind.  But not Selena.  They wrapped Lopez's ass in spandex and twirled her around in front of an ass-cam.

After that she became famous for her "J-Lo booty", and big round butts became trendy.  Shopping malls have been packed with girls accentuating their rears ever since.  Stuffing their asses into the tightest pairs of low-rider jeans they can find.

Blocked!

The biggest enemy to ass observers is the oversized sweatshirt or sweater.  Women seem to know this, as they constantly wear sweaters which hang to the top of the leg, completely covering their rear end.  Nobody can see a damn thing in this situation!  I can live with long coats and jackets, because those are worn when it's cold out.  But the long sweaters are worn for the explicit purpose of hiding butts from view.  Even in summer I see chicks wearing oversized sweatshirts with shorts.

Ladies, personally I prefer you to wear one of the following: lightweight skirts or dresses, well-fitted jeans, or swimsuits.  Do not wear the oversized sweatshirt, do not tie sweaters around your waist, and when wearing a bathing suit, do not wrap yourself up in a towel.  Most importantly, follow the guidelines I laid out previously.  I don't think I'm asking too much.

- crocoPuffs

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