Here's the scene: I'm enjoying a warm morning on a Maui beach.  A snuggly-buggly newlywed couple spreads out on the sand not too far away.  He is kind of a nerd, and she has a big rack (because what crocoPuffs article would be complete without mentioning boobs).  After a few minutes of taking pictures of each other, they approach me, camera in hand, to ask if I can take their picture together.  If this were real (which it isn't), this is the point in the story where crocoWife would gladly take their picture and chat them up for fifteen minutes while I scowl at the entire lot of them.

Anyway, here's my question: Do they understand the enormous amount of pressure they are exerting on me?  Are they aware of the anxiety they are causing me with this request?  "What's the big deal?" I hear you asking, "just take their fucking picture already!"  If only it were that simple.

It's clear this couple is enjoying their honeymoon and want to collect special memories of their vacation.  Which forces me to take a great picture.  Not just an okay picture, not just a good picture, a great picture!  Don't crop off their heads.  Get the sunrise and the ocean in the background, but wait for a wave to break and capture that special intangible something all the best photos have.  But don't wait too long because their smiles will fade and start to look phony.  I know ... I'll tell them a joke to make them smile again.  Damn, it bombed.  Now what?  How close should I zoom in?  Do they want just their faces, or a full body shot?  How comfortable is this chick with her body?  Does she expect me to crop out certain body parts she doesn't like?  Should I ask her about her body-image and self-esteem levels?  Should I snap a photo of only her breasts as a prank?  And what about the dude, he's not wearing a shirt, but maybe he should be.  Would it be rude to suggest he put one on?

On top of all that, I need to figure out how to use their damn camera!  Is it one of those slow-ass digitals that you have to hold the button down for two weeks?  How does the zoom work?  How does the focus work?  Is the flash on?  If so, should I turn it off?  How automated is this camera anyway, and why is that red light flashing at me?  This is the point in the story where I dropkick the camera into the ocean and say, "Whoops!  Sorry about that."

Don't ask me to take your picture with your camera, that's all I'm saying.  I am as likely to "accidentally" smash your camera as I am to successfully capture a moment you will cherish forever.  You're taking a risk when you ask me to take on the burden of being your personal paparazzi.  Want me to take a picture with my camera?  No problem, I'll email you the raw jpg.  This is the point in the story where my patent idea comes in.

To solve the above problems, what we need is a three pronged system.  A simple way to pass on our email address to others; a simple way to capture a photo on someone else's camera; and a simple way to specify personal preferences for strangers who are taking your picture.  When my patented camera technology storms the planet, every camera will have a port for plugging in a memory card (I'll call it the crocoStick) that will handle all 3 tasks.  It will transfer the person's email address to the camera and link it to the pictures taken while attached; if there's enough room it will store the pictures taken; and most importantly it will be preloaded with personal photography preferences which the camera will honor when snapping photos.

In the Maui scenario, the guy pulls out his crocoStick from his bathing suit and hands it to me.  I grasp it firmly and plug it into my camera.  The camera reads the settings and automatically adjusts for their sickly white skin tone, makes sure to capture a palm tree in the distance, and to crop out her legs (because she thinks her thighs are too thick, even though her man tells her they look fine).  Now all I need to do is casually aim my camera in their general direction and click the shutter a few times.  When I toss their crocoStick back to them, the pictures will be saved on it.  And for good measure, when I get home and plug the camera into my PC, it will automatically email the pictures to the newlyweds.  See, everyone's happy!

Unfortunately, this is one of those ideas that only works if everybody is doing it.  Every camera (and camera phone) would need to be equipped to accept crocoStick, and every person would need to carry crocoStick with them at all times (and stroke it gently to keep it happy.  Disclaimer: do not taunt crocoStick).

See there, I'm an idea man!  If I were Kodak, I'd be offering me a job right now.  Uh-oh, too late Kodak!  Canon got to me first.