Example: "Don't come to me with any hidden agendas!"
Intended to mean: Be straightforward and honest.
What it really means: "Don't keep anything from me, I need to steal all the ideas I can get my hands on!"
All-hands meeting
Example: "The company is having an all-hands meeting Tuesday at 3:00 pm!"
Intended to mean: The meeting is mandatory for everyone.
What it really means: "The company is announcing layoffs Tuesday at 3:00 pm!"
Apples and oranges
Example: "You are comparing apples to oranges."
Intended to mean: Those things are so different that your analogy doesn't hold water.
What it really means: "It hurts my pea brain to think abstractly about things that are dissimilar in any way whatsoever."
Bar, raise the
Example: "We are raising the bar with our new widget!"
Intended to mean: Setting a new standard of the highest quality.
What it really means: "The new widget is totally average, so we need to use a fancy-pants phrase to make it sound insanely great!"
Buy-in
Example: "We need to get buy-in from the marketing department."
Intended to mean: Getting approval.
What it really means: "When this thing blows up in my face I'm taking everyone down with me!"
Day, at the end of the
Example: "Look guys, at the end of the day it's all about profit."
Intended to mean: The bottom line.
What it really means: "Because I am superior to you, I will speak to you as if you are two year-olds who can't comprehend anything on their own."
Dog and pony show
Example: "We're taking our dog and pony show to our prospective client's headquarters."
Intended to mean: A sales or marketing presentation.
What it really means: "I enjoy belittling what you do by giving it a stupid name, dismissing it as insignificant."
Extra mile
Example: "We need to go the extra mile this month!"
Intended to mean: Put in extra effort to make sure things get done.
What it really means: "You slackers never do any fucking work!"
Fast track
Example: "Let's put that on the fast track!"
Intended to mean: Place at the top of the priorities list.
What it really means: "I have no intention of getting that done any sooner, but I know how to sound like I do!"
Future-proof
Example: "We need to future-proof all our widgets!"
Intended to mean: Cover all contingencies.
What it really means: "I want you to be able to predict the future of the market and have a product ready for it, because I'm a moron!"
Hands, holding
Example: "Are we all holding hands on this?"
Intended to mean: Are we all in agreement?
What it really means: "You just signed yourself up to manage blame central station."
Hardball, play
Example: "Looks like these guys want to play hardball!"
Intended to mean: They are tough negotiators.
What it really means: "I think I'm badass, so I'll build these guys up and if I stomp them it will make me look all the more badass, but if they stomp me I have a prefabricated alibi!"
Heavy lifting
Example: "I'll do the heavy lifting on this."
Intended to mean: I'll handle the most difficult tasks.
What it really means: "I'll take all the credit."
Make it happen
Example: "We need that new widget in three days, make it happen!"
Intended to mean: This is critically important, get it done no matter what.
What it really means: "My idea of motivating you is to bully you with catch phrases."
Radar, blip on the
Example: "I appreciate your input, but that's barely a blip on the radar."
Intended to mean: It's not important.
What it really means: "You and your ideas are insignificant to me, the all-powerful corporate overlord!"
Regroup
Example: "We need to regroup."
Intended to mean: We need to rethink our strategy.
What it really means: "I need some time to figure out who to blame."
Speed, up to
Example: "You need to get up to speed on this system."
Intended to mean: Learn everything you can.
What it really means: "Your current knowledge is woefully inadequate."
Table, bring to the
Example: "For tomorrow's meeting, bring something to the table."
Intended to mean: Present your best ideas.
What it really means: "I think you're grossly under qualified."
Touch base
Example: "After the kickoff, let's touch base."
Intended to mean: Let's report on current statuses.
What it really means: "I like to micro manage, I'll be on you like crunchy skin on fried chicken."
Train wreck
Example: "Our new widget is a train wreck!"
Intended to mean: Everything went horribly wrong.
What it really means: "Our new widget is a fireball and smoke cloud which captured the lives of 200 innocent passengers."
Value-add
Example: "I keep the budget balanced and schedule on time, that's my value-add."
Intended to mean: That's what I "bring to the table".
What it really means: "I'm afraid I offer no useful services, so I'll point out to everyone when I think I might be helping."