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Feature Champion couch potato
Woman stays on couch for six years.
August 13, 2004
This is the most sickening story I've ever heard.

A Florida woman died. She was 4' 10" and 480 lbs.  She died on her couch.  The same couch that she had been sitting on for six years.  Six years straight.  She never got up.  They had to surgically remove the couch from her body because her skin grafted itself to the cloth of the couch over the years.  Excuse me while I vomit.

I'm trying to get my mind around what this means.  If her skin fused with the couch, not only did she never leave the couch, but she never moved at all.  Never shifted her weight.  Never scooted around to change position.  Nothing!  For six years!  Reader, I challenge you to sit on your couch for six HOURS without shifting.  Six years, there's no fucking way.

What kind of mindset did this woman need to be in?  How do you one day get on the couch and then NEVER MOVE AGAIN?  I mean, when she was sleeping, she would wake up and ... what, lift her head?  Change the channel on the TV?  When I wake up, I stretch a little, use the bathroom, get some water to drink.  When she woke up, she did nothing.  I can't even imagine.  Six years of no visits to the bathroom.  Six years of not seeing the sky.  Reader, I challenge you to go six DAYS without bathing.  You'd smell like Jay London's ass hair.  Six years, there's no fucking way.

This sounds like either abuse or a mentally incapacitated person to me.  She was living with some guy who claims to be her husband.  He said he tried to get her off the couch numerous times.  Really?  When exactly did you try?  After 1 year?  2 years?  If my wife stayed on the couch for even one day, I'd know there was something fucked up going on.  And the condition of the house ... feces on the walls?  How could that husband live in a house in those conditions?  Six years, there's no fucking way.

Unrelated: The reference above to Jay London regards a comic who competed on the show Last Comic Standing.  Another contestant on that show was Gary Gulman.  Gulman has the best jokes about cookies I've ever heard.  When it comes to stand-up routines about cookies, Gulman is king (Sesame Street's Cookie Monster comes in second).  I'd like to share his cookie related jokes with you here (paraphrased from my memory).

Fig Newtons: Interesting that the fig newton guys decided to use the fig for their cookie.  Of all the fruits available, they chose the fig.  I've never even seen a fig.  If a fig came walking up that aisle right now, I wouldn't recognize it without it's cookie covering.

Oreos: The oreo guys are geniuses.  There's the regular oreo, and there's the double stuff oreo.  You're kidding me, right?  Double the stuff!?  For the same price!?

Sugar Cookies: I don't understand the sugar cookie.  Every cookie has sugar.  If there's no sugar, it's not a cookie.  It's a cracker.

Even if you don't think that shit is funny ... I had to try something to not leave this article with such a bad taste in my mouth.  Skin grafted to the couch ... fucking creepy.

- crocoPuffs


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