Dogs have recently assaulted me from all sides, without warning, advancing their numbers, trying to overtake me!  But I shall stand fast, faithful readers.  I shall fight back against the dogs and the dog lovers!

New Article

With a move I can only interpret as a personal attack on me, Slate posted an article titled "Why People Love Dogs."  I don't know why Slate is making this so personal, but they have fired a shot across my bow and the only appropriate response is to post a rebuttal.

The article tells the story of a woman who dumped her boyfriend just as things were getting serious because ... he wasn't a dog person.  This disgusts me.  The idea that a person would choose a one-sided relationship with a mongrel over a two-way relationship with another person is infuriating, repulsive, and pretty creepy.

I've gone over this before, but the message is not getting through.  Listen up, dog owners!  This Bud's for you.

The number one thing to understand about your dog is that your relationship with him is not special.  Give your dog to someone else, and in less than a year he will "love" that new owner just as much as he "loved" you.  Do that every year, and every stupid owner will think they have something special with that same dog.  Sorry, but you don't.  Dogs do not discriminate.  They will "love" whoever it is that pets them and feeds them and plays with them.  That's why it is a one-way relationship.  You are being tricked by the dog into thinking it is a two-way relationship.  And if you're dumb enough to let an idiotic dog trick you, then you get what you deserve, which is, in most cases, a lonely, pointless, and empty life.

From the Slate article:

"Archer suggests, 'consider the possibility that pets are, in evolutionary terms, manipulating human responses, that they are the equivalent of social parasites.'  Social parasites inject themselves into the social systems of other species and thrive there.  Dogs are masters at that.  They show a range of emotions - love, anxiety, curiosity - and thus trick us into thinking they possess the full range of human feelings."

This is exactly what I've been talking about!  Finally, the scientific community has gotten behind me!  Dogs are trying to manipulate me, and I don't want some dumb animal manipulating me.  I hope you're happy, dog lovers.  You're being manipulated by parasitic creatures.

Live and stupid

CrocoWife provided me with an anecdote to further prove the ridiculousness of dog lovers.  She was patronizing a place of business when she stepped outside for a little fresh California air.  And of course, there was a golden retriever lost in the parking lot who runs over to crocoWife, acting all scared and shit.  CrocoWife says he was a really sweet dog, but I find that hard to believe.

The mutt has no collar, no driver's license, no ID of any kind!  So crocoWife scans for people the dog might belong to, sticks her head back inside the business to ask if the dog belongs to anyone.  Everyone says no.  So she sits with the dog, calls animal control, waits half an hour, animal control shows up.  At which point a woman comes out from the business and asks, "what are you doing with my dog?"

CrocoWife tells her the dog has been biting little kids and old people so she called animal control to come shoot him.  Okay, she didn't say that, I made it up, but that's what she should have said.  Clueless Dog Owner says, "we just got the dog last week and he has separation anxiety so I left him in the car with the windows down."

CrocoWife somehow manages to refrain from triple-kicking her in the ear while thinking, "makes perfect sense.  Dog has separation anxiety, so give him an easy way to escape the confines of the vehicle to come looking for you."  Aloud she says, "leaving him in the car with windows down isn't a good idea, he'll jump out of the car again next time you do that.  Also, get a collar for him."

Clueless Dog Owner says, "oh, okay."  Then she says, "could you hold him while I go inside and get my stuff?"

She does not say, "thank you for finding my dog."  She does not say, "I'm so glad he's safe."  No expression of gratitude whatsoever.  Just, "please hold my dog".  This is the part of the story where crocoWife should have transformed into a decepticon and boot stomped Clueless Dog Owner.  I mean, is crocoWife some kind of civil servant, just waiting around to dogsit your stupid pet?  Dumb whore.

So kids, what did we learn from this story?  1) Dog owners are clueless.  2) Dogs are dumb.  3) CrocoWife has great patience for suffering fools.

Email jokes

I received the following joke email from a friend (email joke in boldface, my comments in regular type):

In many ways, dogs are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
Debatable.  You ever seen what a Mastiff eats?  or a Great Dane?

2. Don't ask for money all the time
Dogs can't talk.  If they could, I guarantee they'd be asking for money all the time.

3. Are easier to train
Not really.  You can't reason with a dog.  You can't explain to a dog why it's unacceptable to pee on the rug, all you can do is rub their nose in it.  Personally, I find dealing with a logical, thinking being to be easier than physically abusing a dumb animal.

4. Normally come when called
Uh, yeah right.  I'm shocked to see this one on here at all.  It's the rare dog that actually comes when called.  And if your child doesn't come when called, than you have failed as a disciplined parent.  And that's your fault, not the child's.

5. Never ask to drive the car
Again, dogs can't speak, so whether or not they actually ask to drive the car is a moot point.  The real question is: If they could talk, would they ask to drive the car?  I think the answer is obvious.

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
I guess this is hypothetical, because how do you know your dog isn't hanging out with drug using friends?  And why do you assume that all children are?

7. Don't smoke or drink
I beg to differ.

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
Who says you "have to" buy the latest fashions for your kid?  Tell your kid to get a job and then buy whatever the hell they want.  No parent is obligated.

9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
Well, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you don't need a "gazillion" dollars to send a child to college.  For that matter, you don't even need a billion, not even a million.  I think someone is overstating their case in a sad attempt to fool themselves into believing their dog is better than a child.

10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Sure, it's a legal activity, but is it morally responsible?  I mean, is anybody asking the mother dog or father dog how they feel about having their babies ripped from their paws and sold into ... who knows what kind of home?

This very email is further proof that dog apologists are delusional.  They can't even write funny jokes about dogs.  The only people laughing at that email are other dog apologists.

And that concludes this year's dog bashing.  Once again I have proven myself to be far superior to all dog owners and all dog lovers.  In summary: dogs are lame, and their owners are lamer.