First, I'd like to point out the title of this essay is "I hate dogs", not "I hate all dogs."  Before you twist your panties in a knot let me say this.  I believe some dogs are tremendously valuable.  Law enforcement dogs, working ranch dogs, guide dogs, etc., serve a valid purpose and society is better off with them.  The rest of the dogs are worthless.  They're dirty, they stink, they're loud, they leave big dumps on your lawn, they're mean and violent, and they're stupid.

Dogs vs. cats

Typical dog owners enjoy spewing "dogs are smarter than cats" propaganda.  Dogs do what they're told, cats ignore you.  Dogs learn tricks, cats do want they want.  Dogs will protect you from strangers, cats don't care.  Valid arguments, all.  But I don't see how they add up to dogs being smarter than cats.

Dogs do whatever you tell them, whenever you tell them, like brainless drones.  When you tell a cat to do something, he thinks it over and decides for himself if he wants to do it.  Dogs are so happy to see you they jump up and down and run around in circles like retarded five year-olds.  Cats are so happy to see you they say "hi," then go back to their nap.  Dogs never bathe their stank asses until you force them to take a bath.  Cats bathe daily.  When a dog sees someone he doesn't know, he either sniffs their ass or barks at them then bites their leg.  When a cat sees someone he doesn't know, he either leaves the room or snuggles into their lap.

Dogs are clearly obedient and emotional.  But obedience and emotion do not equate to high intelligence.  Imagine someone you know who fits the description of obedient and emotional.  Is that person smart?  No, of course not.  To be fair, I should point out my own difficulty in determining other people's intelligence.  Everyone is so very inferior to me, it's like determining which ant is the smartest on the anthill.

Anyway, when was the last time you heard of a child getting mauled by a house cat?  Scratched on the face and got an infection?  Sure.  Arm torn off and dislocated jaw?  Never.

Winner: cats.  Loser: dogs.

Dogs vs. babies

Have you ever heard a dog owner say "If you're thinking of having a baby, get a dog.  It's the same thing!"  The last clown who said this in front of me got punched right in the mouth.  Next clown to say it in front of me gets a ... well, I think you know what he's gonna get.  So, owning a dog is the same as raising a baby?  Really?

Can you leave your baby home alone for a few hours while you go to a movie?  Or can you leave your baby home alone while at your job for the day?  When your baby needs to take a dump, can you simply open the back door and let her go in the backyard?  Can you feed your child the same food at every meal for his entire life and expect him to love it?  When your child is being difficult can you tell her to "sit!" and "stay!" or swat her with a rolled-up newspaper?

No.

Does your dog throw a tantrum every morning because you won't let him wear yesterday's dirty socks?  Do you cherish your dog's naptime because it is the only waking hour of the day you have time to yourself?  Does your dog demand to watch Blue's Clues during Survivor?  Does your dog crayon the walls and furniture?  Does your dog prevent you reading a book for more than five minutes at a time because he ALWAYS needs your attention?  Does your dog throw his food at you if he doesn't feel like eating it?

No.

Owning a dog is NOTHING like raising a child.  Dog owners, don't ever say that stupid shit again.  To anyone who has ever been responsible for a child you sound like an idiot.  Even more of an idiot than what you normally sound like.

Winner: babies.  Loser: parents.

Dog owners

Dog owners are insane.  They act like their dog is, in fact, their baby.  They dress him up in a stupid hat and put him in a parade.  They let her sleep on, and sometimes in, the bed.  They buy doggie sweaters so he won't get cold.  The dog goes on vacation with the family.  They rush home after work to "take care of the dog."  And dog owners get offended when the dog isn't treated like a person by other people.

It's a fucking dog!  Dogs don't have the same rights and privileges people do.  You know why?  Because they are fucking dogs!  If you find your emotional stability comes from a stupid mongrel, you are leading a lonely life indeed.  Stupid ass-sniffing mutts (the owners, I mean).

Dogs gone wild!

In some circles dogs are raised to be as ferocious as possible, the meaner the better.  Large dogs can be lethal weapons.  Why do you think the police use them?  Because they are nice and helpful with grandma crossing the street?  No, it's because they'll chase people down and bite them on the head.

Everybody is afraid of mountain lions.  When one is spotted in a residential area, the police shoot it.  Nobody wants a mountain lion living in their 'hood.  Dogs account for far more attacks and injuries to people than mountain lions.  Yet people welcome dogs into their homes, make them part of the family.  As they say, if you're walking on the beach, don't act surprised when you get wet.

Why do owners not leash their dogs anymore?  At least three dogs on my street are allowed to roam freely at all hours, day and night.  Their favorite activities seem to be shitting on my lawn, pissing on crocoWife's flowers, and glowering menacingly at our daughter.  I wonder if it is within my rights to accidentally leave poisoned milkbones on my front porch.  Maybe if the family pet starts puking for no apparent reason, motherfuckers will keep a closer watch on him and not let him run all over the goddamn neighborhood.