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Feature Come on down, kids are just eight dollars!
Fun and games at the county fair.
July 19, 2004
Fairs are dangerous and fun.  It's that time of year.  Time for state fairs, county fairs, city fairs, etcetera.  But you have to be careful.  For example, I went to my county's fair this year and a crazed married couple with a crazy red-headed baby kept following us around.  I tried to shake them, but they were unshakable!  And their baby was trying to hand food to our baby.  I think it was trying to poison my daughter.  Very shady, dangerous people you come across at the fair.

One of the best parts of the fair are the carnival games.  There's shoot out the red star with a bb gun that doesn't shoot straight.  There's toss a ping pong ball into a miniature fish bowl.  There's shoot the basketball into an undersized hoop five feet above regulation height.  There's toss a softball into a milk jug with an opening the exact same diameter as the softball.  There's shoot the clown in the mouth with a water gun to explode the balloon above his head while your girlfriend yells at you that, "You're losing!  You're losing!"  And there's my favorite, throw the crooked, lame-duck darts to pop balloons.

The carnival barkers that yell at me as I walk past need to be on alert.  I never miss with those darts.  They better think twice before calling me over, because I'll clean their inventory right the fuck out!  This year, I stepped up to the rail and bought 3 darts.  Blam!  Blam!  Blam!  Three popped balloons.  Where's my prize, bitch?!  My prize can be seen to the right, a 12" by 12" piece of artwork featuring the female form.  That game booth should feel lucky that I wasn't in the mood to clean them out.  I could have wall-papered my garage with cheap AC/DC and bikini babe posters for a mere five bucks a pop.  Who would have been laughing then?!

Another fun thing about fairs are the carnival rides.  There's the Haunted House, the House of Mirrors, the Gravitron, and my favorite, the Zipper.  Yes, the Zipper and I are good friends.  The Zipper rolls your cage in a circle while revolving the whole arm of cages simultaneously.  It's great fun until you get stuck at the top of it for 20 minutes in 102 degree heat.  Do you know how hot it gets inside one of those steel cages?  Hot enough to make a guy throw up, I'll bet.  Do you know how dizzy you can get after riding the Zipper and then getting heat stroke while being stuck inside it?  Probably dizzy enough to make a fella puke.  I'm not sure.

Keep on truckin'.

- crocoPuffs


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