My father's a good guy and all, but this fucking email he forwarded the other day was fucking pathetic.  "Holiday Diet tips" it was titled, aka "excuses to stuff your fat face with candy and cake."  When one examines these "tips", one is reminded that people are always looking for excuses to add pounds to their asses.  It's intended to be cutesy, but makes me want to puke.

Holiday Diet Tips

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
Translation: Hide your fat ass in the bathroom while stuffing your fat face so that nobody sees what a fat pig you are.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
Translation: Drink all the soda and eat all the candy your fat ass can handle.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
Translation: Find someone just as gluttonous as yourself to stuff your fat face with.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
Translation: Get drunk, eat a cheescake, have sex with Sara Lee, then see a doctor about your newly acquired herpes.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
Translation: In a darkened theatre, it's more difficult for people to see you stuffing your fat face.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
Translation: When eating cookies, root to the bottom of the box like a fat pig to get every last broken piece and every last crumb.

7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
Translation: In your quest to become the ultimate fat ass, don't just eat your own food.  Stuff your fat face with everybody else's food too!

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
Translation: All the calories go to your feet, then up your torso, out your mouth and into the toilet.  You sloppy bulimic bitch.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
Translation: Santa is a big fatso, it's okay for you to mold yourself in his giant-assed image.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Translation: Whenever you feel stress, stuff your fat face with pie to make it better.