A  large breasted woman in a bathing suit answers the door.  The mailman's jaw drops at the sight of her beauty.  It's hot out and she invites him in for a cool drink.  He accepts and steps inside.  As he enters the living room he can see through the window to the pool outside, where the woman's equally beautiful twin sister is sunbathing!  Nude!  The woman brings him a lemonade and asks if he'd like to meet her sister.  He says yes and they head out the back door.  As they approach her twin sister, the woman removes her swimsuit.  She asks him if he likes what he sees.  Next thing he knows, he's having amazing sex with two hot twins!

Sounds good, right?  Wrong.  Because once the porn industry gets its mittens on this stuff, they turn it into an unsexy, unsensual, brightly lit fiasco.

I think former hospital administrators and surgeons must be directing these films.  They're not sexy, they're clinical.  The harsh, bright lighting.  The close-ups of bits nobody wants to see.  The static, uninspired shots which consist of a stationary camera that occasionally zooms in or out.  How about some camera movement?  How about some designed lighting?  How about competent acting?  How about some cinematography or screenwriting.  Something.  Anything to help these movies less resemble a homemade camcorder video.

The acting.  Ugh.  Nobody gets turned on simply from the sight of sex.  Clearly, the porn actors know this because they try so hard to make it seem like they are enjoying themselves.  Imagine a sex scene where the participants are stone-faced.  No emotion, no sound, no sensuality, just the act of sex.  It's boring, it's not a turn-on.  The excitement comes in the belief that these people really want to have sex, and they're loving every minute of it.  That's why so many "actresses" yell and scream and moan, trying to convince you that they love it.  Too bad it's painfully obvious that they don't.

Striving for legitimacy

The pornography biz is so desperate to be perceived as a legitimate industry, they even have their own awards ceremony.  Awards are handed out in categories such as Best Anal-Themed Feature, Transsexual Performer of the Year, and Best Solo Sex Scene.  If porn stars get awards, why don't hookers?  They probably suck a dick better than most porn stars.  The funny thing is how serious these clowns take the awards.  They will cry and thank their mother like they won an Oscar.  Makes me wonder ... did their mom teach them how to eat ass?  Is that why she's being thanked?

And who thought the names of these movies were good?  Tales From the Crack, Screaming Orgasms 13, Naughty College School Girls?  Could they be any less creative?  Or sound any less interesting?

Anyway, I just feel really disappointed with the porn industry.  There's all the potential in the world to make good quality sex films, but they continue to make junk starring Lame McCrapalot because people like YOU still buy it.  Save your dough and buy a sweatshirt instead.

So much sex, so little sexiness.