I love NFL football.  I watch games every week of the season, I follow my favorite team and the other goings-ons in the league, and I watch the superbowl.  I watch the superbowl because I'm interested in the teams that are playing and the outcome of the game.  Turns out I'm in the minority on that.  The day after the 2004 superbowl, all anyone could talk about were the commercials and Janet Jackson's boob.

I listened to half a dozen different radio shows today, a couple of news shows on television, and talked to people at work about the superbowl.  Everybody was talking about Janet Jackson and her "youth-corrupting" breast.  The fact that a football game was played appears to be an afterthought, which is a fucking embarrassment.  I'll get to the commercials in a minute, first (against my better judgement) I'll address Janet Jackson and her nipple jewelry.

Janet was the headliner for the halftime show (which sucked mongoose ass, by the way) and at the end of the performance, Justin Timberlake reached across her chest, grabbed her top and ripped part of it off, flopping her tit out for all to see.  The next day, the spin was that it was an accident.  Bullshit.  The move was clearly choreographed, Janet was wearing a piece of decoration on her breast that covered her nipple, and it came at a time in the song where the lyrics were "I'll have you naked by the end of this song."  So let's get that out of the way right now, it was no accident.  They must think we're pretty fucking naive to believe that it was.

It was a stupid ass publicity stunt, plain and simple.  It was Madonna kissing Britney Spears, it was Lil Kim at the Grammys, it was Dennis Rodman doing ... anything he does.  It was an idiotic and pointless stunt.  Fine, I'm over it.  What kills me are the people who are all worried that this is corrupting the youth of America.  As if boys all over the nation are now going to run around ripping girls shirts off.  As far as I can tell, the big complaint seems to be, "I'm watching the superbowl with my family and then there's a bare breast on TV.  How can I explain that to my kids!?"  If you can't explain to your kids what happened, that is on you, not on the kids.  You can't explain it because you're uncomfortable with it, not because your kids are uncomfortable with it.  Sack up, punk, and tell your kids what's what with some honesty.  Next adult who claims they don't know what to say to a child that has just seen a boob gets a flipping ninja sidekick to the groin.

The most important question we should ask ourselves when talking about Janet Jackson's rack should be, "How did it look?"  Well, it looked fine.  Kinda floppy, so it could be natural. 

The worst television commercial of 2004 is ... all the dumbass commercials that aired during the superbowl.

Let's start with Bud Light's "Horse Fart Sleigh Ride".  A couple going for a sleigh ride are caught behind a flatulent horse, which lights the woman on fire and char-broils her.  First off, this is not even an original idea, it's a variation of an idea ripped off from a Seinfeld episode.  Secondly, it's sophomoric and idiotic.  Thirdly, I like cheese.

Next is Budweiser's "Clydesdale Wannabe Donkey".  This one is about a donkey that strives to be one of the Budweiser Clydesdales.  What's funny about THAT?  What's clever about it?  What's witty about it?  What's interesting about it?  Nothing, nothing, nothing, and not a thing.

Bud Light's "Fetching Dog Bites Dick" is another infantile and stupid commercial.  This one shows two guys whose dogs have been trained to fetch beer.  One of them by biting the cock of a guy who has a beer in his hand.  That's just gay.

Another non-classic is the NFL's "Tomorrow".  This one has various football players singing the song Tomorrow from Annie.  Hilarious.  This is almost as funny as when my high school football team dressed up in drag and did high-kicks like the Rockettes at our talent contest; which was not fucking funny at all, it was pathetic.  Just like this commercial.

How about the Lays' "Fighting Grandparents" spot?  Not funny.  Stupid.

Or the anti-smoking "Glass Freeze-Pops" spot?  Again, this is not an original idea, it's ripped off from an old Dan Akroyd Saturday Night Live skit.  The non-smoking message is admirable, but the ad is shitty.

Both monkey commercials are lame as well.  The one where the talking monkey tries to hit on the guy's girlfriend, and the one where a guy literally has a monkey on his back.  Not just lame, super-lame.  And super-duper-stoopid.

I don't think this ad aired during the superbowl, but it's clearly the worst commercial of the year.  Taco Bell's "Club Chalupa" spot.  This one shows three guys going to Taco Bell, and dancing around the place with their food as if they're in a nightclub.  I'm embarrassed for the actors in this ad.  If I was an actor, I'd have to be desperate before I signed on to do such a horse-assed commercial.  Am I really supposed to believe that a taco bell chalupa is so delicious that I will dance around and bob my head like a chicken?  I doubt that any food is THAT yummy, particularly not some mass-produced, mass-marketed, processed fast food.

Anyway, the football game that was played ... you know, the actual superbowl, the game that decides the NFL championship ... was great!  The game was well-played by both sides (unlike 2003 when the Raiders had their nuts handed to them), and fun to watch.  The pre-game show, the halftime show, and most of the commercials stank.  So, if you're one of those people who watch the game for all that extraneous shit, I hope you're happy.  You got punk'd.