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Feature Eat the damn meat, already!
Tofurkey is lame.
November 29, 2003
Thanksgiving.  Everyone knows the holiday, everyone gets the day off work, everyone watches the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions play football, everyone eats a big meal of potatoes, beans, cranberry, sweet potatoes, stuffing, and ... tofurkey?

Personally, I'm not the biggest fan of thanksgiving dinner.  I think it would be better to eat something truly special on this day - albeit less traditional - like prime rib.  Because, how often do you eat prime rib compared to turkey?  Turkey sandwiches are eaten all the time, it's everyday food.  If you're going to have a big feast with delicious food that you look forward to every year, why not go with prime rib?  That's something I can look forward to!

Well, whatever meat you eat, just make sure it's REAL meat.  Not something scientifically engineered to taste like meat.  I don't understand tofurkey, it's a ridiculous product.  If you don't already know, it's a turkey-shaped hunk of tofu designed to taste like turkey.  I've heard vegetarians rave about how much tofurkey tastes like real turkey (or chicken).  Look, if you want so badly to eat something that tastes like turkey, just eat some fucking turkey!  It makes no fucking sense to dedicate your life to not eating meat products, and then go out of your way to eat something that tastes just like meat!  What's the point?  If you want to eat meat, just eat it, don't dick around by only pretending to eat it.

It would be the same as if some ass-clown went around with a cigarette dangling from his lips, but never inhaled the smoke.  Just letting it burn, and pretending like he's smoking it.  He doesn't want to endanger his health, because his life and health are oh-so-important, but he likes the taste of cigarettes.  Shouldn't he just smoke the damn thing already?  I mean, if he wants to smoke, then smoke, don't be such a goddamned pussy about it!  He'd look ridiculous not actually smoking it.

And you look equally ridiculous eating something that tastes like meat when you have sworn off meat.  Same goes for garden burgers and all the other not-meats-that-taste-and-look-like-meat.  If you're going to be a vegetarian, then eat all your carrots and lettuce like good little boys and girls, and forget about meat.  Seriously, forget about it, don't search out things that taste like it, look like it, smell like it.  Leave the meat to the people who aren't too touchy-feely to eat it.  The next person I see eating tofurkey gets a flying ninja scissor-kick to the skull.

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Reader Response

Date: 1/17/2004
From: badsector
Subject: N/A

your tofurkey collum was hilarios

Um, gee.  Thanks.  Always nice to get compliments.  Even from 5th graders who can't spell.


Date: 3/8/2004
From: Justin Hensley
Subject: N/A

dude- u r the biggest fuckin faggot/asshole i've ever fuckin heard of-u r a massive douche bag, and have no fuckin clue about jack shit except how to be a fuckin dick- some kid gave u a compliment and you fuckin have to be a god damn cocksucker-i hope you choke on fuckin' cock and die bitch-just so you know-you have the fuckin' gayest-ass cynical personality and i'm sure that no matter what you do you will never get any pussy from anything that talks you fuckin homosexual

Your email cracked me up.  I receive bile like this all the time, but there's something different about yours.  Instead of ONLY name-calling, you seemed to be attempting to make a point, as illogical as that point is.  And that's why I'm responding to it.

For starters, tough guy, "u" and "r" are not words, they're letters.  I think what your tiny baby brain was searching for were "you" and "are".  Is calling me homosexual supposed to be an insult?  Am I supposed to take offense at being called gay?  Is that what they're learnin' you out there in Texas, how to be narrow-minded and bigoted?  And if you honestly think I'm gay, accusing me of not being able to get any pussy makes no sense.  If I were homosexual, I wouldn't WANT any now would I, Einstein?  I understand for you little high schoolers, getting laid is what your world revolves around, but for adults like me, there are more important things to worry about than getting in the pants of the town skank.

The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.  I enjoy the amusing irony in that you - a member of your school's wrestling team - would accuse me multiple times of being gay.  If you think you haven't rolled around half naked on the mat with a homosexual in one of your matches, you're kidding yourself.  Time for you to come out of the closet, little man. 

Oh, by the way, you're a fucking clown.  You came to the defense of "some kid" who I accused of not being able to spell.  How do you know it was a kid?  That could have been a 40 year old woman for all you know.  Let's look at what we DO know.  The kid can't spell.  Period.  If I'm a dick for pointing out that fact, then so be it.

As for my "cynical personality", you're just plain wrong about that.  I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist.  My currency is truth.  A lot of people (including yourself, apparently) are averse to truths.  I can deal with that, I'm used to it.

Funny how everybody is so tough in email.  Everybody talks big, wishes you would drop dead, uses profanity as if the well were drying up, etc.  I never write anything that I wouldn't say to somebody's face.  I receive tough guy email like this often, yet I've never had anyone talk to me like that in person.  Interesting how cowardly people can be, hiding behind the anonymity of the internet.


Date: 7/6/2004
From: Matthews, Justin, SPC, OASD-PA
Subject: tofurkey

Hey man,

Your bit about the tofurkey pretty much hit the on the head. Although some people are vegetarians for religious reasons, and that's cool, most do it because its trendy. Some have absolutely no good reason other than the claim that meat is "unhealthy". That's crap. I was raised in the cattle industry, so I could argue this point forever. Anyway, thanks for putting this all out there.

There you have it, folks.  He was raised in the cattle industry.  Can't argue with that logic.

But I gotta know ... hit the WHAT on the head?  Hit the cow on the head?  Hit the turkey on the head?

 

 
     
 
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