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Feature I'm just too damn nice!
You can trust me.
January 14, 2005
A few nights ago I was driving home and spotted two guys walking on the sidewalk a couple houses away from mine.  Clad in black full-length raincoats, it was dark and rainy so I couldn't see their faces.  They were out of place and clearly up to no good.  I pulled into my garage and as I was unloading stuff from my car I noticed them walking up my driveway.  I stepped out of the garage to meet them, and they introduced themselves as Elders from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I was right, clearly up to no good.

They launched into their spiel, explaining their commitments to God, Jesus Christ and family, blah blah blah.  I don't remember exactly, I wasn't really listening.  Simply waiting politely for them to shut their pie holes and go away.  Then they asked if they could step inside to discuss this with me and my family.  I said, "No, not tonight."

Not tonight?

As soon as I said it I felt stupid.  I had no interest in talking to them then or ever, but I left the door open for a return engagement.  Then I dug the hole deeper.  They asked if they could stop by at another time, and I said, "If you're in the neighborhood and you feel like it."

If you feel like it?  What kind of pussified response was that?

Only two possibilities exist to explain why I responded that way.  Either they brainwashed me telepathically, or I am just too fucking nice!  How did I get to be so nice and polite?  I'm not sure, because I only act that way with strangers.  Particularly with strangers who invade my home via a visit to my doorstep or a solicitous phone call.  With people I'm familiar I can be arrogant, opinionated, even downright rude.

When my credit card company calls to offer zero percent balance transfers I always let them give their little speech, and I play along with their game when they persist after my initial rebuttal.  Only on occasion do I interrupt, tell them "no thank you", and hang up.  And only when I'm in a silly mood will I have fun stringing them along, asking them to tell me more about their offer before ultimately refusing it.

Those phone calls are like homeless people.  I'm walking down the street, minding my own business when some guy asks for money.  Except in this case, I'm eating dinner, minding my own business when some guy calls up and asks for money.  They make it seem like they're doing me such a tremendous favor, offering great services or products.  The only favor they are accomplishing is lining Citibank's pockets.  Every person they sign up for their offers is just more money for the credit card company.  If it wasn't profitable, they wouldn't be calling, they're not exactly looking out for my well being.

It wouldn't have to be so bad, except they are so damn pushy.  Particularly the religious fanatics attempting to spread Jesus's "message."  By offering to help improve the quality of your life they insinuate that something is wrong with you, assuming that you are not happy with your current situation.  That is beyond offensive.  People who push religion in this way are so misguided and useless I hope God kills them all with a giant tsunami.

Anyway, back to the important part of this article ... me!

Why am I so damn nice?  Some would suggest I was raised that way, to be respectful towards all people.  Others might say I'm just a pussy, scared of confrontations.  That's all bullshit.  The truth is I don't trust motherfuckers and don't want to give them an excuse to not like me.

I'm nice to waiters in restaurants because I don't trust them to not fuck with my food.  I'm nice to people in places that I intend to return because I don't want any hassles when I return.  I'm nice to people who show up on my doorstep because ... well, shit, because they're at my house.  They know where I live and I don't trust them to not fuck with my home.  Never trust anyone!  (Except me.  I'm a good guy.)

- crocoPuffs


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