any of you travel the United States, and the world too. But how many of you check up on the local laws for the area you're visiting? Very few of you, I'm sure. That's why I'm here to help! I have performed exhaustive research to bring you these travel tips based on real local and regional laws! Next time you visit these places, you'll know the deal. I'm just a humble servant to my adoring public.
Western United States
In Arizona you cannot have more than two dildos in a house. If you are visiting relatives, be sure to call ahead and ask your mother-in-law how many dildos are already in the house before bringing yours along. Texas, being bigger and better, set their limit at six dildos per home.
In Hollywood, California you cannot drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Blvd. at one time. 1,999? No problem!
In Portland, Oregon you cannot wear roller skates in restrooms. You know, because of the mice. They might get crushed under your skate.
In Seattle, Washington you cannot carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. It's true. So, if your "weapon" is longer than 6 feet, you better not keep it concealed. Pull it out for all to see!
Eastern United States
In Baltimore, Maryland you cannot take a lion to the movies. Lions don't like movies anyway, this one's easy to abide.
In Massachusetts gorillas are not allowed in the back seats of cars. Front seat only, please!
In New Hampshire you cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt. Of course, gambling is illegal in New Hampshire so you shouldn't have any debt. But just in case, you've been warned!
In New York you cannot throw a ball at someone's head for fun. Damn it! I love doing that at restaurants!
In New York City women can go topless in public as long as it is not being used as a business. However, it is illegal for a woman to wear "body hugging clothing". This makes it easy for you ladies to pack. No tops required!
In Connecticut you cannot bike faster than 65 miles per hour. Few can, my friends. This is the number one reason the tour de france will never be held in Connecticut. Well, that and ... it's not France.
Southern United States
In Florida men cannot be seen in public wearing any kind of strapless gown. It's Florida after all, so pack light, leave your strapless women's garments at home. Straps only, please. Also in Florida, you cannot have sexual relations with a porcupine. Ouch! Doesn't that go without saying? What the hell happened in Florida prompting them to enact THAT law? Also in Florida you cannot shower naked.
In Tampa, Florida women cannot expose their breasts while "topless dancing", and lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron. That's a mighty large lap you have there, sir. Or are you just happy to see me? This is why Tampa is not exactly renowned for their strip clubs. Reschedule your bachelor's party for Las Vegas.
In Dublin, Georgia, you cannot drive a car through a playground. Never mind that onStar knows a "shortcut", just don't do it.
In Louisiana, rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. And it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. Natch! Those things always go hand-in-hand.
In Oklahoma you cannot take a bite out of another person's hamburger. I know it's tempting, but go to Arkansas if you want to do that.
United States - Other
In Idaho, you cannot fish from a camel's back. And in Boise, Idaho, you cannot fish from a Giraffe's back. Okay, now these laws are just getting random.
In Chicago, Illinois you cannot eat in an establishment that is on fire. Trust me, you wouldn't want to anyway. Those fire hoses are powerful, they hurt. Also in Chicago, it is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits. I think that's self-explanatory.
In Iowa you cannot engage in a kiss which lasts longer than 5 minutes. And if you have a moustache you cannot kiss a woman in public. And if a man with a moustache is kissing a woman in public for more than 5 minutes?! Whoa, Nelly! That's gotta be, like, life in prison!
In Owensboro, Kentucky, a woman cannot purchase a hat without her husband's permission. I guess single ladies can't buy hats period? I wonder what the penalty is for pretending to be someone's husband and then giving her permission to buy the hat. Wouldn't a more useful law be to get permission before buying shoes?
In Detroit you cannot scowl at your wife on Sunday. Smile when smacking her around.
In Minnesota you cannot sleep naked. Which is really no problem because it is ass cold freezing in Minnesota all the time.
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin you cannot be in public during the day if you are considered offensive looking. Whew! I just saved a lot of you some jail time with that tidbit.
In Alaska you cannot push a live moose out of a moving airplane. I assume pushing a DEAD moose out is okay, and pushing a live moose out of a STATIONARY airplane is okay.
In Texas, Kansas, Wisconsin, and Washington, when two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. Ummm, right. How does that work, exactly? Best to stay off the trains, just in case.
In Liverpool it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. Good news for all you tropical fish collectors! Buy all your fish in Liverpool!
In the Netherlands prostitutes pay taxes. I'd expect the prices to be a little higher than your usual brothel because of it.
In Tunisia the age of consent is 20. Just so you know.
In Chile the age of consent is 12. Just so you know.
In Canada you cannot pretend to practice witchcraft. ACTUALLY practice witchcraft, no problem. Just no poseurs, damn it! It confuses their Molson soaked brains.
In Germany everyone knows there is no speed limit on the Autobahn. And it is customary to move out of the way of cars going faster than you. But watch your gauges, because running out of gas on the Autobahn is illegal.
In Denmark you cannot start your car when someone is underneath it. But if you do, lucky for you because prison escape attempts are not illegal.
Thanks for your time, I hope you found these tips useful. If you are interested in more, much of this information was found at dumblaws.com