Grade:  D+

Director:  Eli Roth		Released:  September 2003
Writer:  Eli Roth, Randy Pearlstein		MPAA Rating:  R
Players:  Jordan Ladd, Rider Strong, Joey Kern		Running time:  93 minutes

Ratings System

What the fuck is going on in this movie?!  Is it supposed to be comedy?  Is it supposed to be horror?  Is it supposed to be comedy AND horror?  I don't know but I can tell you this: there is definitely something horrifyingly funny about a kid with the ultimate mullet yelling "pancakes!" for no particular reason, then performing slow motion karate moves before biting a dude on the hand.  Yes, you read that correctly.  And believe me when I tell you it makes no more sense when you actually see it in context on screen.

On the other hand, this is the best cabin-in-the-woods-flesh-eating-virus movie I've ever seen (and you can put that on your marketing materials)!.  Evil Dead influence abounds.  Whacky teens have sex, drink beer, smoke weed, get killed.  Throw in a dog that eats the infected, a crazy biting ninja kid, and a lame joke on the word "nigger" that is set up at the beginning of the film and plays out at the end, and what do you have?  A crappy low-budget "horror" movie void of chills or scares.

You know how in really bad movies there is never a phone that works, or a single person who can help the heroes?  Yeah, this movie has that.  You know how in really bad movies the car never starts until that perfect serendipitous moment?  Yeah, this movie has that too.  You know how in really bad movies there is that last-minute "twist" intended to be simultaneously humorous and tragic?  Yeah, this movie has that.  And you know how in really GOOD movies the story compels you to the edge of your seat and you don't blink for 2 hours?  Yeah, this movie has none of that.

You know how in really bad movies there's always a scene where a character finds something awful and wants to immediately get as far away from it as possible?  And by the coincidental forces of screenwriting, the character usually ends up stepping in, or falling in, or otherwise touching that god-awful thing?  Yeah, this movie has that scene too.  Upon discovering a face down corpse floating in a reservoir, a character decides to investigate further and turns the body over with a stick.  At this point it is revealed to the audience that the corpse is grossly sickening, decayed, and yucky.  The character sees this, reacts strongly (by making an "eewwww!" face) and starts to get the hell out of there.  But then, whoops!  The ladder breaks!  He falls into the reservoir!  And lands right on top of the corpse!  OH MY GOD!  Grosser McGrossalot!  Yeah, it's as stupid and contrived as it sounds.

And, uhhh, there are some naked titties too.

- crocoPuffs